Why I don't want to stay in my addiction

Some of the reasons for wanting recovery, had to do with my fears of this addiction.  I was and still am afraid of where this could lead me.  I found myself doing things that I didn't imagine I would do, and saying things that appeared out of character.  I also didn't always see a correlation between my beliefs and actions, or remorse for what I should feel bad about.  I could hear myself making excuses for what I was doing, and deciding I didn't care about things I used to care about.  It was amazing how I could zone out, and shut myself off form my own life.  I also loved my family, my husband and children.  It doesn't make sense but I wasn't looking for someone new, but more of an escape and thrill.  I could not imagine a life without my family.  I was afraid of losing my friends too.  My behaviors were not something they would agree with, and I knew if I continued in these behaviors without seeking help, my friends would most likely desert me.