Friday, April 2, 2010

my values

MY top values

Below is a list of my top values.  This list has evolved over time, and something I review regularly.  When making decisions, I can measure it against my values.  If I find I am not acting in the way I believe, then often it has to do with some old hurt and/or fear.  Awareness helps, yet healing takes time.  Knowing what I believe, helps me create my own measure for my life.  Without it, I can get caught up in what others want.  Most people have a general idea of what they want, and clarity may come through the trials in life.  Some of my addictive behaviors did seem to match with my values, and that was partly what drew me in.  Humor, intellect and connection, was something I was looking for with the men I chatted with.  Unfortunately, this brought more heartache and less of what I was seeking over time. 
1. To connect with my God, and allow the Spirit to work in me, to respect spirituality (or lack of) in myself and others

2. To have a healthy and intimate relationships with my husband and children

3. Be a good example, live what I speak

4. Live a life of integrity and honesty

5. Having fun and enjoying life

6. Making a difference in the world

7. Having deep relationships with others

8. Love and grace

9. Being fit and healthy

10. To feel deep emotions and take in each moment

11. Self respect

12. Learning and growing

13. Being able to say I am sorry

14. Humor and laughter


Why I don't want to stay in my addiction

Some of the reasons for wanting recovery, had to do with my fears of this addiction.  I was and still am afraid of where this could lead me.  I found myself doing things that I didn't imagine I would do, and saying things that appeared out of character.  I also didn't always see a correlation between my beliefs and actions, or remorse for what I should feel bad about.  I could hear myself making excuses for what I was doing, and deciding I didn't care about things I used to care about.  It was amazing how I could zone out, and shut myself off form my own life.  I also loved my family, my husband and children.  It doesn't make sense but I wasn't looking for someone new, but more of an escape and thrill.  I could not imagine a life without my family.  I was afraid of losing my friends too.  My behaviors were not something they would agree with, and I knew if I continued in these behaviors without seeking help, my friends would most likely desert me. 

Why I want recovery

When thinking about recovery, this is what I wrote when i was seeking sobriety.  I have a variety of reasons for wanting to heal from my addiction.  Though not necessarily listed here, other things that came into play was wanting support from others, wanting control, wanting freedom from guilt, and wanting to save my marriage.  Feelings are often mixed, and some days I didn't care about recovery.  The list was helpful though, because it helped me aspire to some of my greater goals and vision for my life.  Though I couldn't always clearly see what I wanted, I still believed there was something better out there than this addiction. 

 I want recovery because….

• I want to be free from the addiction. I do not want to be controlled by it.

• I want to really love people. Not out of what I can get or what I can give, but a true balance of people giving and loving one another and growing together.

• I want to have a healthy relationship with my husband. I want to be faithful to him.

• I want to be faithful to my God, and not have anything interfere with my relationship with Him.

• I want to be a good example to my two daughters. To show them what true love is. To not sell themselves short in relationships. To be all they were intended to be.

• I want to feel deep emotions and the truth behind them. I want to enjoy the emotions, and not hide from them.

• I want to follow my values. I want my choices to come from my heart and my head. The intensity of my emotions will be secondary. I want to be able to sort through my emotions and their significance.

• I want to break the unhealthy family patterns that have been passed down to me.

• I want to understand how my abuse has distorted my thinking, and replace old thoughts with healthier ones.

• I have a lot of people watching me. I have an abundance of friends, and can influence others to live healthier lives.

• I want to understand how to have healthy relationships with men.

• I want my energy to be invested in the relationships around me (husband, children, friends), and not be enticed by the quick fix, the passion, the adventure, the perceived love of someone outside of my marriage.

• I want to fully understand my addiction, and acknowledge it for what it is so I can deal with the emotions without overstepping boundaries

Thursday, April 1, 2010

First Steps in Recovery. What do I want?

Having a vision, helps lay out a roadmap.  Many people do not know what they want, while others have a clear sense of direction.  Below are some questions that can aid you in the process.  Remember this is just the beginning, and you may find that it changes some over time. 

Vision of Recovery

What do I want my life to be like?

What are my top values (name at least 10 if you can)?

How does spirituality fit in? 

Why do I want something different?

What brought me here?

What could my life look like without recovery?

If I had a year to live what would I do?

What would I desire for my children (best friend, significant other, sibling, parent, etc)?